August 31

August 31, 1979 - Comet Howard-Koomur-Michels became the first recorded comet to collide with the sun. Prime Ministerial candidate and high profile member of the Sun's Parliament Teana Partyus (R-Sunspot 6) almost instantly claimed the comet was God's way of punishing the government of the Sun for overspending.

August 30

August 30, 1963 - The Moscow-Washington Hotline, allowing for instantaneous contact between the White House and the Kremlin, became operational, as both the American and Soviet governments realized better communication was necessary in order to prevent war between the two nuclear powers. The infamous red telephone was disconnected only two weeks later, as President Kennedy got sick of answering the phone only to hear a giggling Premier Khrushchev ask for "Hugh Jass."

August 29

August 29, 886 - Emperor Basil I, ruler of the Byzantine Empire, died. His death left a power vacuum in the empire, leading to a drawn out war of succession between his sons Garlic II and Parsley IV.

August 28

August 28, 1830 - The Baltimore & Ohio Railroad Company’s Tom Thumb steam locomotive races a horse drawn cart, demonstrating to Americans the potential of the burgeoning steam railroad industry. Owners of the B&O were able to charge passengers a whopping $200 per ride, as they also owned the Short Line, Pennsylvania, and Reading Railroads.

August 27

August 27, 1776 - The British under General William Howe defeated the Americans under General George Washington in the Battle of Long Island, forcing Washington’s Continental Army to retreat to Philadelphia through New Jersey. Howe elected not to pursue Washington, as the potential for a quick victory in the American Revolution was not worth setting foot on the Jersey Turnpike.

August 26

August 26, 1977 - The Charter of the French Language was passed in Quebec, Canada, making French the official language of the province. The entire province almost immediately surrendered to the neighboring province of Ontario, which had recently declared German its official language.