October 31

October 31, 1517 - Martin Luther posted his 95 Theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenburg, Germany, sparking the Protestant Reformation. Meanwhile, Luther's immature prankster of a younger brother, Jacob Luther, sparked a Halloween tradition by posting his 95 feces in a flaming paper bag on the doorstep of the Castle Church.

October 30

October 30, 1961 - The Soviet Union detonated the 50 megaton hydrogen bomb Tsar Bomba, in the largest manmade explosion in history. The Soviets were able to create such a huge bomb through the use of a then secret ingredient, the one thing they could make better than the Americans, super volatile, flammable, explosive high proof vodka.

October 29

October 29, 1969 - The first computer-to-computer link was established over ARPANET, the precursor to the internet. The same day, ARPANET was used in the first ever computer-to-computer exchange of pornography and illegally obtained music.

October 28

October 28, 1919 - Congress overruled President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the Volstead Act, paving the way for prohibition to begin the following January. Congressional leaders and leaders of the temperance movement celebrated by popping the champagne cheersing over a beer enjoying a nice scotch and cigar going home and going to bed early because they couldn't figure out any other way to celebrate.

October 27

October 27, 1924 - The Uzbek Soviet Socialist Republic (SSR) was founded within the Soviet Union. The new nation confused, frustrated, and angered American presidential candidate Sherman Bain, who was unable to locate the Ubeki-beki-beki-beki SSR on a map, and was unable to name the new nation's leaders.

October 26

October 26, 1776 - Benjamin Franklin departed for France on a mission to earn French support for the American Revolution. French military leaders mistook the arrival of Franklin as an invasion and promptly surrendered to the American colonies.

October 25

October 25, 1861 - The Toronto Stock Exchange was created. The exchange was notable in that it was the only one in the world that allowed investors to use their hard earned maple syrup to purchase stocks.

October 24

October 24, 1973 - Poor visibility resulting from heavy fog on the New Jersey Turnpike caused a massive 65 car pileup. The wreckage and carnage strewn all about the landscape dramatically improved the aesthetic appeal of the turnpike.

October 23

October 23, 1921 - The Green Bay Packers played their first game as a member of the National Football League, and won 7-6. The Packers were led to victory by rookie quarterback Brett Favre, who would go on to be one one of the premier quarterbacks in the league for the next nine decades.

October 22

October 22, 1963 - A British Aircraft Company BAC-111 prototype jetliner crashed in the United Kingdom. The accident was attributed to the airplane having a BAC that was nearly 1400 times the legal limit to operate a vehicle.

October 21

October 21, 1797 - The US naval 44 gun frigate USS Constitution was launched in Boston Harbor. Later, when the ship became technologically obsolete, naval leaders wanted to convert the ship into a cargo/transport ship, but the plan lacked the 2/3 Congressional vote necessary to amend the Constitution.

October 20

October 20, 1947 - The House Un-American Activities Committee began an investigation into the infiltration of Hollywood by Communists, resulting in a blacklist that prevented many people from working in the entertainment industry for years. Later, a new HUAC, the House Untalented Actors Committee, began an investigation into the infiltration of Hollywood by terrible actors, resulting in a blacklist that prevented Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, and Brendan Fraser from working in the entertainment industry for years.

October 19

October 19, 1982 - Automaker John DeLorean was arrested on charges of trafficking cocaine. DeLorean was able to beat the charges by using his car to go back in time and preventing himself from getting involved in conspiracies to deal drugs.

October 18

October 18, 1867 - The United States took possession of Alaska after purchasing the territory from Russia for $7.2 million. The day is celebrated annually in Russia as the day it was ensured that Sarah Palin could never get involved in Russian politics and could only be involved in American politics.

October 17

October 17, 1814 - An accident at the Meux and Company Brewery resulted in nearly 400,000 gallons of beer gushing into the streets of London, killing 8 people in what became known as the London Beer Flood. Modern Londoners commemorate the tragedy by standing outside what remains of the brewery with with their empty beer mugs and hoping the disaster repeats itself.

October 16

October 16, 1964 - The People's Republic of China detonated its first nuclear weapon. The explosion was not nearly as powerful as people expected, largely because the bomb was not an actual nuclear weapon, but was just a cheap knockoff that looked like a nuclear weapon.

October 15

October 15, 1974 - The National Hockey League's new expansion team, the Washington Capitals, earned the first tie in franchise history. Rules in Washington stipulate that it is the job of the Vice President break any tie, but as at the time, in the aftermath of President Nixon's resignation, there was no Vice President, league officials and constitutional scholars agreed that the only choice was to leave the game a tie.

October 14

October 14, 1968 - American sprinter Jim Hines became the first person to break the ten second barrier in the 100-meter dash, finishing the sprint in 9.95 seconds during the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City. The feat had nothing to do with a race or with competition in general, Hines was just 100 meters from the nearest public restroom when he risked drinking the tap water in Mexico.

October 13

October 13, 1917 - Tens of thousands of people in Fatima, Portugal, witnessed what became known as the "Miracle of the Sun," a period of extraordinary solar activity that the witnesses attributed to an apparition of the Virgin Mary. Later studies would show that nothing remotely spiritual or supernatural was going on, and the extraordinary lights people saw were in fact a result of the slow burning of their own corneas as they insisted on staring at the sun.

October 12

October 12, 1960 - Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded his shoe on a desk at the United Nations in a response to a speech by Lorenzo Sumulong, head of the Filipino delegation to the UN, denouncing Soviet foreign policy. The demonstration ended up severely damaging the international reputation of the Soviet Union, as it became clear that the communist economy was so poor that even the Premier was unable to afford a gavel and was reduced to banging a shoe on a desk.

October 11

October 11, 1811 - Inventor John Stevens's ship Juliana began operation as the first regularly scheduled steam powered ferry service, operating between Hoboken, New Jersey, and New York City, New York. The ship could operate at a top speed of nearly 8 miles per hour, or twice as fast as a car today averages making the trip from Hoboken to NYC through the Holland Tunnel.

October 10

October 10, 1911 - American whiskey distiller Jack Daniel died, his last words being "one last drink, please." While the cause of death was never officially determined, many people believe it was in some way related Daniel repeating those last words over and over again after each drink, and in fact having seventeen "last drinks" in the hour before his demise.

October 9

October 9, 1995 - The Amtrak train Sunset Limited was derailed by saboteurs near Palo Verde, Arizona. Fortunately, nobody was injured because the train, like all modern Amtrak trains, had zero passengers.

October 8

October 8, 1967 - Guerrilla leader and revolutionary Che Guevara was captured in Bolivia. Bolivian authorities were only able to capture Guevara because they had been tipped off by the CIA that they were looking for "that guy from the t-shirt."

October 7

October 7, 1933 - Five French airlines merged to become Air France. Shortly thereafter, Lufthansa attempted a hostile takeover of the new airline, only to be thwarted in their plans by American Airlines, British Airways, Aeroflot, Air Canada, and a consortium of smaller airlines.

October 6

October 6, 1777 - British General Henry Clinton and his army captured Continental Army defenses along the Hudson River as part of the Battle of Forts Clinton (no relation to Henry) and Montgomery. Clinton's brother William Clinton was supposed to be the second in command for the British, but he spent the entire battle hiding in his tent with female interns of the British Army, who he later claimed he "did not have sexual relations with."

October 5

October 5, 1986 - London's Sunday Times released the first detailed information about Israel's nuclear weapons program. The miracle, of course, was not that the Israelis had figured out how to build nuclear weapons, but was that even though they only had enough uranium to build one nuclear bomb, they managed to build eight.

October 4

October 4, 1876 - Texas A&M University was founded as the Agricultural and Mechanical University of Texas, and became the first public institution of higher learning in the state. By the end of the school year, Texas Governor Richard Perry had executed the chancellors of the school for using government funds to advocate for education in Texas.

October 3

October 3, 1967 - United States Air Force test pilot William Knight piloted his X-15 to a speed of 4,520 miles per hours (Mach 6.72), setting a speed record for a manned aircraft that still stands today. While this was a remarkable feat, the mission did not achieve its intended goal of going fast enough to create 1.21 jiggawatts of energy, the amount necessary to send the X-15 back in time.

October 2

October 2, 1991 - The Toronto Blue Jays claimed the American League East title, and became the first team to draw over 4 million fans in a season. The event left Canadians outside of Toronto to wonder which hockey team had changed its name to the Blue Jays, and when one of the National Hockey League divisions was renamed the American League East.

October 1

October 1, 1890 - Yosemite National Park was established by the United States Congress. People much preferred the name of the new park to the name in the original proposal - Yojew National Park.