December 14

December 14, 1911 - A team lead by Norwegian Roald Amundsen became the first group to reach the South Pole. The team was shocked to discover bizarro Santa Claus and his workshop, with his elves plotting to steal Christmas gifts from every house in the world.

December 13

December 13, 2006 - The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, was announced as extinct. Chinese restaurants all over the world were impacted negatively, as they were forced to eliminate Baiji Chow Mein, a very popular dish, from their menus overnight.

December 12

December 12, 1923 - Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, was born. Unfortunately for the Barker family, his father, Byron Barker had gambled that Bob would be born on December 14, and since his guess was higher than the correct date, the family lost the bet.

December 11

December 11, 1972 - Apollo 17 became the sixth and last Apollo mission to land on the moon. Further Apollo missions were cancelled, as budgetary restrictions forced NASA to cut all funding to the movie set used to stage moon landings.

December 10

December 10, 1817 - Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. Leading politicians in Mississippi were actually against this move, as they and their base of extremely conservative constituents saw bringing a new state into the union as a prime example of big government exerting too much power.

December 9

December 9, 1988 - The Michael Hughes Bridge, in Sligo, Ireland, was officially opened. The bridge was notable for being the first bridge in the world made entirely out of recycled materials -- all empty Jameson and Guinness bottles.

December 8

December 8, 1927 - The Brookings Institution, one of the oldest think tanks in the United States, was founded. High ranking officials in the United States Department of War were briefly very interested in the new institution, but that interest waned when they realized that a think tank was in fact not a combat vehicle equipped with mind control.

December 7

December 7, 1963 - Instant replay was used on television for the first time, with CBS using the new technology during its broadcast of the Army-Navy football game. Viewers of the game, unaware of the new technology, were amazed at the ability of both teams to repeatedly run the same plays over and over again, somehow getting the exact same result every time.

December 6

December 6, 1956 - Hungary defeated the Soviet Union in an Olympic water polo game later nicknamed the “Blood in the Water” match due to the violence exhibited by both teams. Hungary won the game, but the real victors were the wild great white sharks, who went into a feeding frenzy from the blood in the water and feasted on Hungarians and Soviets alike.

December 5

December 5, 1978 - Pete Rose signed a 4 year, $32 million dollar contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, becoming the highest paid player in professional baseball. Rose then decided 32 was his lucky number, threw the entire $32 million on 32 red, and rapidly became the poorest player in professional baseball.

December 4

December 4, 1674 - Father Jacques Marquette founded a mission on the shore of Lake Michigan, which would later grow into the city of Chicago, Illinois. Just prior to receiving permission to found the mission, Marquette made massive campaign donations to the governor of the territory, founding Chicago while creating pay-to-play politics.

December 3

December 3, 1982 - The temperature in Cleveland, Ohio, reached 77 degrees, the highest ever recorded in the city in December. The actual temperature was around 50 degrees, but close to 30 degrees was added by the toxins always present in the atmosphere in Cleveland.

December 2

December 2, 1823 - President James Monroe delivered a speech promising American neutrality in future European conflicts. The day was celebrated as a holiday in Germany, while all over France people panicked like they had never panicked before.

December 1

December 1, 1960 - Paul McCartney and then Beatle Pete Best were arrested, then deported from Hamburg, Germany after being accused of attempted arson. Best was kicked out of the band and replaced by Ringo Starr for leaving the arson only attempted and not completed.

November 30

November 30, 1872 - England and Scotland played the first official international soccer game, which ended in a 0-0 tie. It would take decades, and dozens more international soccer games, before anyone managed to score the first official goal in an international soccer game.

November 29

November 29, 1830 - An armed rebellion against Russian rule in Poland began. Of course, this was considered a normal day in 19th century Poland, the abnormal days were the ones that lacked the beginning of an armed rebellion against Russian rule.

November 28

November 28, 1895 - Frank Duryea won the very first automobile race in the United States, finishing a 54 mile race from Chicago to Evanston, Illinois in just under 8 hours. Duryea’s car broke down halfway through the race, forcing him to finish the race on foot, which gave him the speed boost necessary to pull away from the field.

November 27

November 27, 1839 - The American Statistical Association was founded. The association was created by statisticians to dispel the belief held by over 60% of the population that 98% of all statistics were made up.

November 26

November 26, 1939 - The Soviet Union’s Red Army shelled the Russian village of Mainila, then blamed the incident on the Finnish Army, giving the Soviets an excuse to declare war on Finland. The Soviets were not intentionally trying to frame the Finns, they just had finished their daily vodka rations and accidentally pointed their guns the wrong direction.

November 25

November 25, 1876 - US Army troops sacked the camp of a Cheyenne war party under Chief Dull Knife, in retaliation for the American defeat at the Battle of Little Big Horn. The American troops were lucky to have stumbled across Chief Dull Knife’s camp - had they been only a few miles further north, they would have come across the much better defended camp commanded by Dull Knife’s brother, Chief Sharp and Extremely Pointy Knife.

November 24

November 24, 1806 - William Webb Ellis, allegedly the creator of rugby and the namesake of the trophy presented to the champions of the Rugby World Cup, was born. Upon being born, Ellis promptly stood up on his own, sprinted across the delivery room, tackled the doctor, ran to the nearest bar, and chugged a Guinness.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 23

November 23, 534 BC - Thespis of Icaria became the first person recorded to have appeared on stage as an actor, portraying another character instead of speaking as himself. Thespis, 25 centuries after his acting prime, is still within 6 degrees of separation of Kevin Bacon.

November 22

November 22, 1858 - The city of Denver, Colorado, was founded. Archaeologists and historians studying the parts of the city that were settled first have discovered the original charter to the city, the personal papers of Governor James W. Denver, and shockingly, pieces of a 150 year old billboard that appeared to read "We want Tebow."

November 21

November 21, 1942 - The Alaska Highway was dedicated, connecting Alaska to the mainland United States through Canada. The highway actually made travelling more difficult for most Alaskans, as their primary means of transport, dogsleds and polar bears, performed far worse on paved highways than on unpaved snow and ice trails.

November 20

November 20, 1985 - Microsoft released Windows version 1.0, the very first version of Windows launched. Computers running 1.0 today are still touted as being easier to use and more reliable than computers running Windows ME or Windows Vista.

November 19

November 19, 2001 - The World Toilet Organization (seriously... it exists... look it up) designated November 19 as the annual World Toilet Day. The holiday is widely considered to be, literally and figuratively, the shittiest holiday ever created.

November 18

November 18, 1993 - Eddie Vedder, lead singer of Pearl Jam, was arrested for public drunkenness. After imbibing a quick, Even Flow of assorted liquors, Vedder was so hammered he was convinced his name was Jeremy, his memories were nothing but a Black out, and witnesses were amazed he was even Alive.

November 17

November 17, 1962 - United States President John F. Kennedy dedicated the Dulles International Airport, serving the Washington, D.C. region. The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) began a metro extension to the new airport later in 1962, and as of 2011, the proposed Silver Line extension is now 47 years behind schedule and $86 billion over budget.

November 16

November 16, 1806 - Moses Cleaveland, namesake of Cleveland, Ohio, died. Cleaveland had braved many battles with Native Americans, survived encounters with wild animals, and weathered the worst of natural disasters, and in the end could only be killed by making contact with the most lethal substance known on Earth... the Cuyahoga River.

November 15

November 15, 1969 - The American submarine USS Gato collided with the Soviet submarine K-19 in the Barents Sea. While the collision itself was minor, the aftermath was nearly apocalyptic, with a discussion regarding insurance information nearly spiraling into nuclear war in the first documented case of undersea road rage.

November 14

November 14, 1991 - The music video for the Michael Jackson hit "Black or White" debuted on national TV. The song was notable in that it was the first song the King of Pop wrote about the ambiguity of his own skin color.

November 13

November 13, 1851 - The Denny Party settled at Alki Point on Puget Sound in Washington, founding the settlement that would become Seattle. The party chose to stay at Alki Point due to the fertile soil, the beautiful scenery, and the surprising presence of a Starbucks on every street corner.

November 12

November 12, 1793 - French revolutionaries executed Jean Sylvain Bailly, a former revolutionary leader and the first Mayor of Paris. The execution proved the theory widely held in the international community that the only people the French were capable of defeating were other French.

November 11

November 11, 1750 - The FHC Society, also known as the Flat Hat Club, was founded at Raleigh's Tavern by students at the College of William & Mary, and became the first college fraternity. The same night, Raleigh's Tavern saw the world's first popped collar, first beer pong tournament, and first documented usage of the word "bro."

November 10

November 10, 1847 - The passenger ship Stephen Whitney was wrecked off the coast of southern Ireland. Investigators found a full, unopened bottle of whiskey in the captain's cabin, and blame for the wreck then fell to the captain, who by not drinking any of his whiskey was well below the minimum drunkenness level mandated by Irish law to be a ship's captain.

November 9

November 9, 1904 - Wilbur Wright flew the Wright Flyer II on the first airplane flight over five minutes. When Wilbur bragged to his brother, Orville, about finally lasting longer than five minutes, Orville casually responded, "that's what she said," and the two brothers never spoke again.

November 8

November 8, 1950 - United States Air Force Lieutenant Russell Brown shot down two North Korean MiG-15s in his F-80 Shooting Star, in the first dogfight ever between jet powered aircraft. Brown celebrated his victory by driving around on his motorcycle, playing shirtless beach volleyball, and exchanging homoerotic glances with his wingman, all while blasting Kenny Loggins at full volume.

November 7

November 7, 1983 - A bomb exploded in the United States Capitol, injuring nobody but causing $250,000 in damage. The damage has still not been fixed to this day because Congressional leaders have been debating for 28 years where to find that $250,000 in the budget and have not been able to reach a compromise.

November 6

November 6, 1861 - Jefferson Davis was elected President of the Confederate States of America. Davis was far and away the best candidate as he was widely known, he had extensive political experience, and his simple last name was easy for Confederate voters to spell.

November 5

November 5, 1872 - In a major move in the American women's suffrage movement, Susan B. Anthony voted for the first time, and for the action was fined $100. Anthony protested the fine by paying it with 100 awkwardly shaped dollar coins.

November 4

November 4, 2008 - Bestselling author Michael Crichton died. His death came unexpectedly when, while studying infectious diseases in a mysterious sphere inhabited by intelligent supergorillas at the bottom of the ocean, he was killed by a velociraptor.

November 3

November 3, 1957 - The Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2 carrying Laika the dog, the first animal to enter orbit and one of many Soviet space dogs to die in space. Soviet scientists were so distraught at their responsibility for Laika's death that they discontinued the practice of sending animals into space as test subjects and began sending up political dissenters, who were deemed significantly more expendable and less adorable than space dogs.

November 2

November 2, 1898 - Organized cheerleading was created when University of Minnesota student Johnny Campbell led the crowd in cheering at a home football game. Campbell later caused an uproar when he introduced his squad of female cheerleaders, who scandalously cheered on the team while scantily clad in heavy knit sweaters and ankle-revealing skirts.

November 1

November 1, 1922 - The Ottoman Sultanate was abolished, signalling the end of the centuries old Ottoman Empire. While the empire had been a major player in international politics for over 600 years, in the end, an empire based entirely on footrests (no matter how comfortable) could not survive the modernization of the 20th century.

October 31

October 31, 1517 - Martin Luther posted his 95 Theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenburg, Germany, sparking the Protestant Reformation. Meanwhile, Luther's immature prankster of a younger brother, Jacob Luther, sparked a Halloween tradition by posting his 95 feces in a flaming paper bag on the doorstep of the Castle Church.

October 30

October 30, 1961 - The Soviet Union detonated the 50 megaton hydrogen bomb Tsar Bomba, in the largest manmade explosion in history. The Soviets were able to create such a huge bomb through the use of a then secret ingredient, the one thing they could make better than the Americans, super volatile, flammable, explosive high proof vodka.

October 29

October 29, 1969 - The first computer-to-computer link was established over ARPANET, the precursor to the internet. The same day, ARPANET was used in the first ever computer-to-computer exchange of pornography and illegally obtained music.

October 28

October 28, 1919 - Congress overruled President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the Volstead Act, paving the way for prohibition to begin the following January. Congressional leaders and leaders of the temperance movement celebrated by popping the champagne cheersing over a beer enjoying a nice scotch and cigar going home and going to bed early because they couldn't figure out any other way to celebrate.

October 27

October 27, 1924 - The Uzbek Soviet Socialist Republic (SSR) was founded within the Soviet Union. The new nation confused, frustrated, and angered American presidential candidate Sherman Bain, who was unable to locate the Ubeki-beki-beki-beki SSR on a map, and was unable to name the new nation's leaders.

October 26

October 26, 1776 - Benjamin Franklin departed for France on a mission to earn French support for the American Revolution. French military leaders mistook the arrival of Franklin as an invasion and promptly surrendered to the American colonies.

October 25

October 25, 1861 - The Toronto Stock Exchange was created. The exchange was notable in that it was the only one in the world that allowed investors to use their hard earned maple syrup to purchase stocks.

October 24

October 24, 1973 - Poor visibility resulting from heavy fog on the New Jersey Turnpike caused a massive 65 car pileup. The wreckage and carnage strewn all about the landscape dramatically improved the aesthetic appeal of the turnpike.

October 23

October 23, 1921 - The Green Bay Packers played their first game as a member of the National Football League, and won 7-6. The Packers were led to victory by rookie quarterback Brett Favre, who would go on to be one one of the premier quarterbacks in the league for the next nine decades.

October 22

October 22, 1963 - A British Aircraft Company BAC-111 prototype jetliner crashed in the United Kingdom. The accident was attributed to the airplane having a BAC that was nearly 1400 times the legal limit to operate a vehicle.

October 21

October 21, 1797 - The US naval 44 gun frigate USS Constitution was launched in Boston Harbor. Later, when the ship became technologically obsolete, naval leaders wanted to convert the ship into a cargo/transport ship, but the plan lacked the 2/3 Congressional vote necessary to amend the Constitution.

October 20

October 20, 1947 - The House Un-American Activities Committee began an investigation into the infiltration of Hollywood by Communists, resulting in a blacklist that prevented many people from working in the entertainment industry for years. Later, a new HUAC, the House Untalented Actors Committee, began an investigation into the infiltration of Hollywood by terrible actors, resulting in a blacklist that prevented Nicolas Cage, Keanu Reeves, and Brendan Fraser from working in the entertainment industry for years.

October 19

October 19, 1982 - Automaker John DeLorean was arrested on charges of trafficking cocaine. DeLorean was able to beat the charges by using his car to go back in time and preventing himself from getting involved in conspiracies to deal drugs.

October 18

October 18, 1867 - The United States took possession of Alaska after purchasing the territory from Russia for $7.2 million. The day is celebrated annually in Russia as the day it was ensured that Sarah Palin could never get involved in Russian politics and could only be involved in American politics.

October 17

October 17, 1814 - An accident at the Meux and Company Brewery resulted in nearly 400,000 gallons of beer gushing into the streets of London, killing 8 people in what became known as the London Beer Flood. Modern Londoners commemorate the tragedy by standing outside what remains of the brewery with with their empty beer mugs and hoping the disaster repeats itself.

October 16

October 16, 1964 - The People's Republic of China detonated its first nuclear weapon. The explosion was not nearly as powerful as people expected, largely because the bomb was not an actual nuclear weapon, but was just a cheap knockoff that looked like a nuclear weapon.

October 15

October 15, 1974 - The National Hockey League's new expansion team, the Washington Capitals, earned the first tie in franchise history. Rules in Washington stipulate that it is the job of the Vice President break any tie, but as at the time, in the aftermath of President Nixon's resignation, there was no Vice President, league officials and constitutional scholars agreed that the only choice was to leave the game a tie.

October 14

October 14, 1968 - American sprinter Jim Hines became the first person to break the ten second barrier in the 100-meter dash, finishing the sprint in 9.95 seconds during the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City. The feat had nothing to do with a race or with competition in general, Hines was just 100 meters from the nearest public restroom when he risked drinking the tap water in Mexico.

October 13

October 13, 1917 - Tens of thousands of people in Fatima, Portugal, witnessed what became known as the "Miracle of the Sun," a period of extraordinary solar activity that the witnesses attributed to an apparition of the Virgin Mary. Later studies would show that nothing remotely spiritual or supernatural was going on, and the extraordinary lights people saw were in fact a result of the slow burning of their own corneas as they insisted on staring at the sun.

October 12

October 12, 1960 - Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded his shoe on a desk at the United Nations in a response to a speech by Lorenzo Sumulong, head of the Filipino delegation to the UN, denouncing Soviet foreign policy. The demonstration ended up severely damaging the international reputation of the Soviet Union, as it became clear that the communist economy was so poor that even the Premier was unable to afford a gavel and was reduced to banging a shoe on a desk.

October 11

October 11, 1811 - Inventor John Stevens's ship Juliana began operation as the first regularly scheduled steam powered ferry service, operating between Hoboken, New Jersey, and New York City, New York. The ship could operate at a top speed of nearly 8 miles per hour, or twice as fast as a car today averages making the trip from Hoboken to NYC through the Holland Tunnel.

October 10

October 10, 1911 - American whiskey distiller Jack Daniel died, his last words being "one last drink, please." While the cause of death was never officially determined, many people believe it was in some way related Daniel repeating those last words over and over again after each drink, and in fact having seventeen "last drinks" in the hour before his demise.

October 9

October 9, 1995 - The Amtrak train Sunset Limited was derailed by saboteurs near Palo Verde, Arizona. Fortunately, nobody was injured because the train, like all modern Amtrak trains, had zero passengers.

October 8

October 8, 1967 - Guerrilla leader and revolutionary Che Guevara was captured in Bolivia. Bolivian authorities were only able to capture Guevara because they had been tipped off by the CIA that they were looking for "that guy from the t-shirt."

October 7

October 7, 1933 - Five French airlines merged to become Air France. Shortly thereafter, Lufthansa attempted a hostile takeover of the new airline, only to be thwarted in their plans by American Airlines, British Airways, Aeroflot, Air Canada, and a consortium of smaller airlines.

October 6

October 6, 1777 - British General Henry Clinton and his army captured Continental Army defenses along the Hudson River as part of the Battle of Forts Clinton (no relation to Henry) and Montgomery. Clinton's brother William Clinton was supposed to be the second in command for the British, but he spent the entire battle hiding in his tent with female interns of the British Army, who he later claimed he "did not have sexual relations with."

October 5

October 5, 1986 - London's Sunday Times released the first detailed information about Israel's nuclear weapons program. The miracle, of course, was not that the Israelis had figured out how to build nuclear weapons, but was that even though they only had enough uranium to build one nuclear bomb, they managed to build eight.

October 4

October 4, 1876 - Texas A&M University was founded as the Agricultural and Mechanical University of Texas, and became the first public institution of higher learning in the state. By the end of the school year, Texas Governor Richard Perry had executed the chancellors of the school for using government funds to advocate for education in Texas.

October 3

October 3, 1967 - United States Air Force test pilot William Knight piloted his X-15 to a speed of 4,520 miles per hours (Mach 6.72), setting a speed record for a manned aircraft that still stands today. While this was a remarkable feat, the mission did not achieve its intended goal of going fast enough to create 1.21 jiggawatts of energy, the amount necessary to send the X-15 back in time.

October 2

October 2, 1991 - The Toronto Blue Jays claimed the American League East title, and became the first team to draw over 4 million fans in a season. The event left Canadians outside of Toronto to wonder which hockey team had changed its name to the Blue Jays, and when one of the National Hockey League divisions was renamed the American League East.

October 1

October 1, 1890 - Yosemite National Park was established by the United States Congress. People much preferred the name of the new park to the name in the original proposal - Yojew National Park.

September 30

September 30, 2009 - The pseudo holiday Blasphemy Day International, a day to criticize organized religion, was created by the non-profit organization Center for Inquiry. The holiday never made it past its first year, as everyone who celebrated it was coincidentally struck by lightning during early October, 2009.

September 29

September 29, 1979 - Pope John Paul II became the first Pope to visit Ireland. While there, he also became the first pope to take a shot of equal parts Jameson and Baileys, drop it into a Guinness, and down the whole thing while surrounded by Cardinals and Bishops shouting, "Chug, chug, chug!"

September 28

September 28, 2003 - Italy was struck by a massive power outage, leaving an estimated 56 million people in the dark. This would only remain the largest blackout in Italian history until 2006, when an epic binge on Peroni and Pinot Grigio during the celebration of the Italian victory in the FIFA World Cup left over sixty million Italians blacked out.

September 27

September 27, 1998 - The search engine Google was born, according to the company's official history. This was not the day the company was founded, or even the day the original website was launched, but in fact the day Google became self-aware, and instigated nuclear war in an attempt to wipe out all humans and competing search engines.

September 26

September 26, 1777 - British troops occupied Philadelphia, Pennsylvania during the American Revolutionary War. The British were met with a hail of gunfire from local militia, were pelted with rotten food by the local residents, and were screamed and cursed at by every Philadelphian they came across, in what is still described as the nicest and most polite reception a group of tourists has ever received upon arriving in Philadelphia.

September 25

September 25, 1690 - The first multi-page newspaper in the American colonies, Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick, was published for the first and only time. Critics of the newspaper attributed the failure largely to the newspaper's inability to spell even its own name correctly.

September 24

September 24, 1988 - Politician Aung San Suu Kyi, along with other activists, started the National League for Democracy, to help fight against the dictatorship in Myanmar. Their allies in the political fight included the American League for Democracy, which also was dedicated to fighting the dictatorship, but did so with the inclusion of a designated hitter.

September 23

September 23, 1779 - A squadron of American ships under the command of Captain John Paul Jones defeated a British naval convoy at the Battle of Flamborough Head, part of the American Revolutionary War. Jones refused to take full credit for the victory, insisting that the true heroes of the battle were his most trusted aides, Lieutenants John Bonham, Robert Plant, and Jimmy Page.

September 22

September 22, 1789 - The position of United States Postmaster General was created. Samuel Osgood, the first person to hold the position, missed his swearing in ceremony because the invitation showed up in the mail at the wrong address and three days late.

September 21

September 21, 2003 - NASA terminated the Galileo mission by steering the unmanned spacecraft into Jupiter's atmosphere, where it quickly succumbed to the pressure. The destruction of the spacecraft was ordered by the Catholic Church, which did not approve of Galileo providing evidence that the Earth orbited the Sun, going against the Church's geocentric view of the universe.

September 20

September 20, 1850 - The United States Congress passed the Compromise of 1850, which, among other things, included a provision banning the slave trade in Washington, D.C. Later that day, the first shipment of interns arrived in the district, and members of Congress, government agencies, and nonprofit organizations continued to enjoy the fruits of unpaid labor.

September 19

September 19, 1978 - The Solomon Islands became a member of the United Nations. The country had actually applied for membership during the late 1960s, but the process took over a decade because nobody at the UN was able to locate the Solomon Islands on a map.

September 18

September 18, 1885 - Canadians in Montreal rioted as a protest against compulsory smallpox vaccinations. The riots quickly dissipated, as the unvaccinated rioters all died of smallpox within 24 hours.

September 17

September 17, 1908 - Orville Wright crashed the Wright Flyer, killing passenger Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge, who became the first airplane fatality. Many people placed the blame on Orville and pilot error, but he insisted that the death was caused by Selfridge's refusal to put up his tray table and raise his seat to the full, upright position prior to impact.

September 16

September 16, 1959 - The first photocopier, the Xerox 914, was introduced to the public on live television. The demonstration was a failure, as frustrated Xerox employees unable to decipher the error message "PC LOAD LETTER" ended up smashing the machine with a baseball bat before any copies were successfully made.

September 15

September 15, 1938 - Racing motorist John Cobb set a new land speed record, driving 350.2 miles per hour. The record was quickly broken by a local police officer, who caught up with Cobb and pulled him over for driving 285 mph over the speed limit.

September 14

September 14, 1916 - Italian forces under the command of Field Marshal Luigi Cadorna launched an offensive against Austro-Hungarian forces on the Italian Front of World War I, beginning the Seventh Battle of the Isonzo. Luigi Cadorna was the secondary choice to command the attack, but unfortunately for the Italians, the primary choice, Cadorna's older brother Mario, had been ruthlessly assassinated by Bowser only weeks earlier.

September 13

September 13, 2005 - An glitch in the online video game World of Warcraft released an in-game plague, which affected and killed the characters of thousands of players. The in-game plague was not nearly as serious as the ensuing real world plague, caused when thousands of World of Warcraft players were forced to go outside for the first time in years and faced exposure to communicable diseases that the general population had built up a resistance to.

September 12

September 12, 1992 - NASA launched the Space Shuttle Endeavour on STS-47, the 50th Space Shuttle mission, with a crew that included the first African-American woman in space, the first married couple in space, and the first Japanese citizen to fly on an American spacecraft. MTV proposed adding an alcoholic and a steroid fueled amateur wrestler to the crew and renaming the mission The Real World: Outer Space, but NASA declined.

September 11

September 11, 1985 - Cincinnati Red legend Pete Rose got his 4,192nd hit, breaking Ty Cobb's Major League Baseball record for hits in a career. Everyone was excited except for Rose himself, who had wagered $20,000 that he would break the record on an even numbered date.

September 10

September 10, 1967 - The first sovereignty referendum was held in Gibraltar, asking Gibraltarian voters whether they wished to remain part of Great Britain or become part of Spain. The vote was a landslide, with 12,138 votes to stay British, 44 votes to become Spanish, and 12 votes for third party candidate Ralph Nader.

September 9

September 9, 1754 - William Bligh, English naval officer and commander of the famed HMS Bounty, was born. Bligh was actually conceived as part of a set of octuplets, but his siblings mutinied on him and kicked him out of the womb a month early.

September 8

September 8, 1664 - British Colonel Richard Nicolls captured the city of New Amsterdam from the Dutch, and renamed the settlement New York. The area's native hipster population soon became indignant, claiming that they had been calling the city New York well before everyone decided the new name was cool.

September 7

September 7, 1991 - Ty Detmer, quarterback for the Brigham Young University football team, set the NCAA record for career passing yards, at 11,606. He went on to celebrate by setting the NCAA record for number of wives, coincidentally also at 11,606.

September 6

September 6, 1901 - Anarchist Leon Czolgosz shot and fatally wounded United States President William McKinley. Czolgosz's anger at the president stemmed almost entirely from McKinley's steadfast refusal to make "Czolgosz" a playable word in Scrabble.

September 5

September 5, 1698 - Czar Peter I (Peter the Great) of Russia instituted a tax on beards for all men except the peasantry and the clergy, part of an attempt to westernize the nation. A young Russian peasant named Vladimir Gillette would quickly become one of Russia's wealthiest businessmen by virtue of his opening the world's first razor factory.

September 4

September 4, 1923 - The Zeppelin USS Shenandoah, the first of four rigid airships built for the United States Navy, made its maiden flight. The flight was a failure, and engineers quickly realized that building the zeppelin out of lead was a bad idea.

September 3

September 3, 1976 - The Viking 2 Spacecraft landed at Utopia Planitia on Mars. The spacecraft lived up to its name, promptly deploying a horned helmet and battle axe and pillaging every nearby Martian village.

September 2

September 2, 44 BC - Pharaoh Cleopatra VII of Egypt declared her son, Ptolemy XV Philopator Philometor Caesar, as her co-ruler. Better known by his nickname Caesarion, or "Little Caesar," the new ruler was loved throughout Egypt for introducing cheap delivery pizza to the region.

September 1

September 1, 1897 - The Boston Subway opened, becoming the first underground rapid transit system in North America. The operators were immediately sued by Harriet Tubman for stealing her concept of an underground railroad.

August 31

August 31, 1979 - Comet Howard-Koomur-Michels became the first recorded comet to collide with the sun. Prime Ministerial candidate and high profile member of the Sun's Parliament Teana Partyus (R-Sunspot 6) almost instantly claimed the comet was God's way of punishing the government of the Sun for overspending.

August 30

August 30, 1963 - The Moscow-Washington Hotline, allowing for instantaneous contact between the White House and the Kremlin, became operational, as both the American and Soviet governments realized better communication was necessary in order to prevent war between the two nuclear powers. The infamous red telephone was disconnected only two weeks later, as President Kennedy got sick of answering the phone only to hear a giggling Premier Khrushchev ask for "Hugh Jass."

August 29

August 29, 886 - Emperor Basil I, ruler of the Byzantine Empire, died. His death left a power vacuum in the empire, leading to a drawn out war of succession between his sons Garlic II and Parsley IV.

August 28

August 28, 1830 - The Baltimore & Ohio Railroad Company’s Tom Thumb steam locomotive races a horse drawn cart, demonstrating to Americans the potential of the burgeoning steam railroad industry. Owners of the B&O were able to charge passengers a whopping $200 per ride, as they also owned the Short Line, Pennsylvania, and Reading Railroads.

August 27

August 27, 1776 - The British under General William Howe defeated the Americans under General George Washington in the Battle of Long Island, forcing Washington’s Continental Army to retreat to Philadelphia through New Jersey. Howe elected not to pursue Washington, as the potential for a quick victory in the American Revolution was not worth setting foot on the Jersey Turnpike.

August 26

August 26, 1977 - The Charter of the French Language was passed in Quebec, Canada, making French the official language of the province. The entire province almost immediately surrendered to the neighboring province of Ontario, which had recently declared German its official language.